"My life is filled with misfortunes, most of which has never happened"


谢谢。


Yes, I do keep trying to be someone I can't be. I keep trying to fit into the shoes of others, I'll always agree with anybody, telling myself there can be no other option. Time has passed, and agreeing or giving in to others -even blindly- has become a somewhat natural instinct.

Jealousy has consumed me, distrust has blinded me. Everyday, I wallow in self-pity, telling myself there isn't anyone for me, nobody out there who would stand by me no matter what happens. Having all of you -no, the whole world- to like me has become a need, not a want. The sense of belonging was my reason for survival, to be loved by others was all I ever needed.

There was nothing else I wanted. It will be my source of happiness, and the only thing that will ever drive me on. That is why my spirits will be completely drowned once I see that single thread of doubt. Like this afternoon. All I wanted was for the whole group to accept me - to be willing to talk to me even though I'm emo, to show care and concern though I may not seem to appreciate it.

But that did not happen. Instead, I felt a sense of rejection. Probing further was of no use, thus I remained silent. Doubt me, Blame me for being an emokid. That didn't seem to matter at that moment, I wanted to be alone - yet my heart yearns for somebody to reach out to me even in this state.


This isn't the first time, and thus I wrote this during class:


All you need are a few very good friends,
who will forgive you no matter what you do,
and still talk to you though you've been a fool.

They'll love you for the friends you make.
Stand by you even if you've committed a grave mistake.

support you when you slip and fall,
attentive to your every call.

Accept you for who you are,
that's how friendship can go far.



I ain't got none of those;
but on my part I'll choose.



I'll forgive all of you as you are,
even though you seem so far.

I'll change myself again you'll see,
even though I've did oh gee.

I'll force a rugged smile on my face,
even though i'm just in a daze.

I'll understand you all hate kids like me,
even though its sensitivity that dictates me.


But that's because I ain't got no more,
of those everlasting sunshine you're looking for.

My world has changed, we all have,
can't we retain the world that's left?


Or would it be too greedy,
to let me live in the joyful past again?

Me and you, a group of us,
laughing together, not split into half?

Yes I know its all my fault,
for being cold as stone and hard as rock.

My mindset it might all just be,
but won't you talk to me at times like these?

Its hard to say I'm sorry,
but is that all you're looking for?

Sorry I don't talk no more,
Sorry I seem to care no more.
Sorry I don't, but I do.

Sorry, but will you all love me once more?




Its hard for anybody to understand all these - but I'm thankful that I still have those who do.


Thankyou Annia, for sharing your thoughts with me, to tell me I'm not alone. For the long messages, the insightful and touching ones. Thanks for being there, every single time I'm down. I've said all I wanted to say through the sms-es. Love you.


Thankyou Terie, for calling me just to check if i'm alright,

--
Thankyou for waiting for me after school, when I feared I would be left alone.


Thankyou, I'll stop agreeing to everything like I always do, I'll learn to speak my opinions and not keep them in.



"I'll keep doing what I do and also keep having faith in you guys that you'l be there and that we deserve each other. If we just keep putting ourselves down there'll never be the end of it."

"Feel that you belong in your own body first before you belong with a group of people. But even then, things can only get more complicated. But what we can do is live with ourselves, which starts by being comfortable in our own skin. Be able to speak out when you want to"



Would you call me selfish, If I told you the reason for my smile was to bring joy to my own life?

That might be the case now, hope it wouldn't be in time to come.